Christmas Colonoscopy

Many people come to this site to answer questions about the adventure of cancer.  Most come to simply be cheered up and laugh a little. So, here you go, nothing more cheerful than death songs.

Now, I anticipate some real argument here.  The qualifications is that the song deal with death and that it fits my own personal musical tastes. I invite your own opinions as well.

10.  Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum.

This one may surprise you in that if you have read my stuff I am not all that religious. Nonetheless, the song is so goddamned catchy (sorry “goddamned” is not the right adjective here).  The youtube clip was the best recording I could find and has plenty of Jesus pictures, which is nice.

Gotta have a friend in Jesus
So you know that when you die
He’s gonna recommend you
To the spirit in the sky

 

9.  Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel. I can’t say this is one of my favorite Joel songs, but it gets the message accross.  I’m sorry, I can’t, after further thought, put Joel here. This is not a good enough song and the lyrics are iffy. So, I’m going with:

Country Death Song - Vioent Femmes.  (Sorry, I have a real affinity for this band.)

Gather round boys to this tale that I tell.
You wanna know how to take a short trip to hell?
Its guarenteed to get your own place in hell.
Just take your lovely daughter and push her in the well.
Take your lovely daughter and throw her in the well.

Dont speak to me of lovers, with a broken heart.
You wanna know what can really tear you apart?
Im going out to the barn, will I never stop in pain?
Im going out to the barn, to hang myself in shame.

 

 
8.  There is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths (you could put about any Smiths song in the top ten death songs. I thought about Girlfriend in a Coma, but the girlfriends death is uncertain. “Do you really think she’ll pull through?”)

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

7.  Ohio - Neil Young. My understanding of this song is that it is about the Kent State riots during the Viet Nam War era in which 4 students were shot down. “Four Dead in Ohio” is a haunting musical mantra.

6.  American Pie - Don McLean. The only problem with this song is Madonna’s bastardization of this song in her cover.  What the hell was she thinking.  I am a huge fan of well done covers, but there is something sacred about American Pie. “The will be the day that I die.”

5.  Elenor Rigby - The Beatles.  Arguably, this is a song about life rather than death.  All the lonely people.

Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

4.  Don’t Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult. (I need more cowbell).

I really wish I could get the Will Farrell clip playing the cowbell on SNL.  But the bastards at NBC don’t let youtube carry it.

3.  Knockin on Heavens Door - Bob Dylan.  I know everyone has sung this, but you got to go with the Dylan Version.  I sometimes feel like I’m knocking on heavens door after a long day of chem, that is if heaven actually existed.  I should say that I feel like I’m knocking on dirt’s door.

2. Delia’s Gone - Johnny Cash (You could also put Cocaine Blues or Don’t Take Your Guns To Town here. Seems like Johnny is always shooting a woman. Gotta love Johnny)

1. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie. This one may surprise you as it is the only modern piece on the list.  But I absolutely love the song.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

Honorable Mentions - Leader of the Pack - Shangri Las. You gotta love this song because the actual death occurs during the song with real motorcycle crash sound effects.

Tears in Heaven - Clapton.  A little sappy.

Stairway to Heaven - Zeppelin.  Of course.

Nice Shot - Filter.  A song about a news caster that blew his brains out on live TV.  “Thats why I say nice shot . . . Nice shot man.”

The End - The Doors.

Blasphemous Rumors - Depeche Mode.

Chemo Round 11 today with the usual side effect suspects.  This is supposed to be a 12 Round routine of FOLFOX and then we are done, right?  Right?  Well, my inner skeptical miserable bastard thinks otherwise.

My CEA is currently rivaling the stock market with a solid upward trend over the last 4 treatments.  Am I missing something? Chemo is supposed to kill cancer, not feed it.  The upward CEA seems to suggest cancer growth.  My onc is hinting that I am looking at some more treatment after the 12.

On the upside, I talked my onc into delaying the last treatment because I am taking a little trip out of town.  So, I think I might feel decent for the trip.  We will do a PET when I get back and the “final” treatment to see where we are at.

So, I hope you all are praying for me (wink wink).  I had a client couple in the office the other day and broke the news to them that I was battling cancer.  They indicated that they were Christians and believed that there is healing power in prayer.  They said, can we pray for you.  My answer is always “of course” I not going to be a dick and get into a theological debate wherein I disclose my personal belief that all organized religion is a load of shit.  I respect their belief system.  So, the proceed to stand up and put their hands on me and I’m thinking “we are doing this now? I thought you meant you would pray for me when you get home.”  The client came back an hour later to give me one of those little pocket sized New Testaments.  So, that will be nice.

What the hell.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Pray away, it certainly can’t hurt.

How on earth am I going to tell my doctor, or anyone for that matter, that “my nipples hurt?”  The likely response is “What are ya on your period? Drink some cranberry juice.”  Thats for any fans of The Departed. 

This has gone on, albeit with less intensity, for about a month and I cannot bring myself to talk about this issue with my doc.  What on earth could this be? Anyone?  I have had my balls and unit felt up by docs and nurses on more than one occasion, I’ve regularly been a victim of the Foley Catheter, I’ve had a colonoscopy, I’ve had female nurses jab suppositories up my ass, but I can’t talk about my nipples?  What the hell?

And the other guy is winning.

Today was chemo round 10.  Uneventful, same old, same old, feel like shit, feel like not eating because of queasy stomach and painful jaw.

I met with the Onc yesterday to get the green light on chemo today.  However, the past three rounds my CEA is trending upwards. Given the poison they are pumping that seems a little odd.  I have also had some abdominal pain.  The other weird thing is that I have had a sore throat and loss of voice ever since my last surgery.  So, I have the pleasure of seeing an ear, nose, and throat guy tomorrow.

I have always wondered what gets a doctor into a particular specialty.  Heart, back, orthopedics, pediatrics, plastic surgery (i.e. boobs) . . . ok I get it. But whats the deal with ENT or even worse, proctology, urology, etc.  I can just see it . . . “I am fascinated by the ear! but will supplement my practice with the nose and throat action as well.”  That just seems odd.  You see, most of us lawyers are just whores.  “I got bit by a cat,”  “I was discriminated against because I am a Satan worshiper,” “my wife is having 3 ways,” all of  which I have gleefully declared “I’ll take it.”  You don’t need to be a 3 way specialist (though I wish I was . . . board certified) to handle the case.  “I want a divorce because my wife is doing 3 ways with other dudes.”  “Your in luck, I am a board certified 3-way specialist.”

Well, I am going to weather the storm tonight by sitting on my ass and watching the office. Pleae join in.

My reader recently turned me on to his wife’s caringbridge site (www.caringbridge.org).  I really like what caringbridge does.  The site is well put together, gives you a free blog, and a platform to state how your cancer battle is going.  Caringbridge is really a perfect vehicle to keep friends, family, and others up to date on your cancer situation and a perfect vehicle to keep those same people from asking you every fucking day “how are you doing?”, “how do you feel?”, “Are you still constipated?” and the ever present “Is there anything I can do?”

The purpose of my site is not to keep family, friends, and others, up to date.  In fact, those people do not know this site exists. Rather, the purpose of this site is to give me a venue to rant, cry, whine, and complain, hoping to gain sympathy from the blogosphere, because I am a miserable bastard and sympathy whore.  Oh, and I hope that I can make someone else going through this shit laugh once in a while. I know that I crack myself up.

Don’t get me wrong, the people asking questions about your welfare mean well and, most are probably genuinely concerned.  However, every step of the way I have parents, in laws, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, co-workers, friends (yes, its hard to believe I have friends), various clients and other well wishers wanting to know exactly what is going on. Early on I found myself repeating my diagnosis and prognosis at least 100 different times.  Frankly, I don’t want to talk about it that much.  When I had brand spankin new liver mets I was upset, and at times, emotional about it.  I didn’t want to keep talking about it.  I find myself regularly responding “I’m hanging in there”, “I doing great”, “keeping up the battle.”  Of course people who ask want to hear “I’m doing great”, “Doc says I’m gonna beat this”, “It’s no big deal.”  That makes them feel better when, if I’m honest, I would be saying “who fucking knows how this is going to play out . . . it could kill me, or not” or “I’m so goddamned tired of this.”  No one wants to hear this (thus my blog).  I should start a caringbridge site so I can tell the hundreds of well wishers “Here is my website . . . please direct all further inquiries here and quit asking me.” That is the value of caringbridge and I respect that.

I’ve started to make up new stories regarding my prognosis to make things interesting.  The other day I had my onc appointment and after, because my cold sensitivity had lightened up, I treated myself by taking an ICEE back to work with me. For those of you that do not know, the ICEE is the bastard cousin to the Slurpee.  We don’t have 7-11 in my neck of the woods, so we have settle with ICEE. Its not as good, but close.  Anyhoo, a co-worker came in as I was enjoying my ICEE and asked how the doctor appointment went.  My response was “Doc says he is taking me off chemo and putting me on ICEEs . . . frankly, I am questioning his methods!”  Here are a few others I am thinking about.  My doctor says:

• My cancer is cured! But, my raging syphilis will probably kill me within 6 months.
• I didn’t really have cancer, it was just a tinker toy lodged in my colon.
• That if Jack Daniels won’t kill liver mets I don’t know what will.
• 100% of cancer patients die . . . eventually.
• Chemo is not causing constipation . . . It’s the car battery size block of cheese you eat for lunch every day.
• We are taking you off chemo and sending you home for hospice care (Jesus H. Christ! thats not funny).
• The more seamen you release the better your chances of recovery (this is the one I tell my wife . . . She says I’d better get to work).
• I have great news . . . I just saved a bundle on my car insurance.
• If you don’t quit overusing that fucking ellipses . . . I’m going to kill you before the cancer does.

So, my good friend and reader, please let me know if you have any other good fake excuses.