Christmas Colonoscopy

One of my reader recently indicated that they had started their own blog with a free blogging site but he is restricted from saying the word “fuck.”  My response is “are fucking kidding me?”

Here is what you fucking need to do.  You go to GoDaddy fucking dot com (www.godaddy.com), sign up for a clever dot com name like fuckcancer.com (sorry its taken) or cancerinmyfuckingass.com (available), sign up for economy hosting and for just under $60 a year you have your own fucking website.  Load up wordpress software, the best blogging software around, and its fucking free, and you can be off and running saying fuck all day long.

I recently had a good friend that said “Cancer Sucks” and he could not think of a better way to say it.  I told him Icould think of one better way.  While the word is inappropriate in many circles, its quite appropriate when discussing cancer.  The truth be told, “fuck” is not a part of my everyday verbal vernacular.  I rarely say the word, although I think it often.  In fact, other than racial epithets stated with the intention to harm, there probably is not a potentially more abrasive or offensive word.  I hate hearing snot nosed teenagers spouting it off.  I don’t like it said around my kids.  I have to turn off Howard Stern when they are in the car.  In fact, my wife, in 20+ years of relationship, other than stating a quote, has probably only heard me say the word twice and only once in anger.  The other time was in karaoke when I was kicking out the lyrics to “I will Survive.” The standard lyric:

I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me

Rather, the lyric became:

I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my FUCKING lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me

The crowd went wild not realizing that I had stole the lyric from Cake’s cover of the song.

As you can see, there is some great comedy in the word “fuck” if used properly. One of the best examples is from Steve Martin in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles when he is at his wits end with the car rental lady and states:

Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You’re fucked!

So, have some fucking fun with the word fuck. If you need help setting up a good fucking blog let me know and I would be glad to fucking help.  $60 a year is a small price to pay to say it as you see it.  Don’t fuck it up.  Oh . . . and FUCK CANCER!

In the opening Michael Scott (Steve Carrell) pulls Oscar, the recently outed gay accountant into the office to discuss an issue.  Michael reports that he has a “medical procedure” and wants a little advice.  The medical procedure is a colonoscopy, so, obviously, he asks the gay guy for advice on how to properly prepare.  He goes so far as to ask is there anything he can do to make it more pleasurable for him . . . and the doctor.  Good stuff.

Don’t get me wrong here.  I am a straight man, but also a champion for gay rights.  I believe that they should enjoy protection from discrimination in employment and housing.  I believe in gay marriage (why should heterosexuals be the only ones suffering?), or at least civil unions.  I am a proud supporter of the Human Rights Campaign (www.hrc.org).

With that disclaimer, I am also not so polically correct that I think gay, racist, sexist, humor is not funny.  I think we need to be able to look at the human condition and not take it quite so seriously.  This is why Michael Scott does it so well.  He is this goofy white that is always putting his foot in his mouth due to racist, sexist, and homophoic remarks.  Its not because he is mean, it is because he just doesn’t get it.

That being said, if I have any homosexual readers, is there anything I can do to make my next colonoscopy more pleasurable for myself and my doctor?

Today was round 9, or round 3 if you are counting from my last surgery.  I think if you buy 11 rounds of chemo you get the 12th for free.  So that will be nice.  The old lady next to me was watching Game Show Network and a guy on the Price is Right won a “brand new” 1992 Oldsmobile.  Sweeeet.  I also caught up on an episod of Password with Anson Williams and Charles Nelson Riley.  Then, on to the $10,000 pyramid.  Those shows sucked when they were new.  Who in their right mind is watching this garbage?  Hell, the chemo nurse was too young to have even heard of these shows.  What’s with the creepy dude in the turtleneck kissing all the ladies?

Anyway, I am on the mend and will see you on the otherside of a long nap.

There has recently been a fairly big debate among colonclubbers (www.colonclub.com) as to why the pink ribbon for breast cancer is getting so much attention and press and you rarely hear anything about the blue ribbon for colon cancer. I would like to see a ribbon that looks like a twisted nasty colon rather than blue. 

Everywhere you turn there seems to be some new benefit going on for breast cancer. They are handing out the pink ribbons, bracelets, water bottles, commemorative plates etc. Cowboys at the rodeo have this new “tough guys wear pink” campaign to raise awareness. The stores are filled with pink products. Hell I bought pink batteries the other day. So, whats the deal with pink and why is blue getting no press at all?

I’ll tell you why; because everyone loves tits. Men, women, children, everyone loves ‘em. I can’t even say or hear the word “boobies” without getting all giddy and giggling like a fifth grader. I love them so much I sexually harassed a fellow colon clubber, who was fighting both colon and breast cancer (T&A Cancer as she calls it), asking her to post pictures of her post mastectomy “foobs.” What is even worse is that I was not joking. Angela if you are reading this I apologize for the harassment, but dammit I won’t apologize for wanting to see them. As comedian Ron White says “If you have seen one breast . . . you pretty much want to see them all.”  I like boobs so much that I would gladly donate my charity dollars on breast cancer research instead of colon cancer research, and I HAVE COLON CANCER. Lets face it, no one wants to see a woman lose a breast, that is why we are so “aware” of breast cancer and the marketing programs really work. On the other hand I say to a group of people “If you look deep inside my butthole you can see where I used to have this nasty growth,” or “I just don’t feel sexy anymore now that I have lost several inches of colon, how could any woman want me after that?” You see, it just does not fly. So in the meantime I will be buying pink batteries, pink M&M’s, pink Evian Water, and pink Cat Chow (I don’t even own a cat). Susan G. Koman we salute you and the breast.

In all seriousness (well . . . some seriousness) I have friends and family that have battled the horrible disease of breast cancer and their battle is similar to my own. But I cannot imagine, with outward appearances, and self consiousness, what this battle means to a woman. Cancer, of any type, deserves and needs some awareness. But always remember, a breast is a terrible thing to waste.  Go to www.savethetatas.com for some great breast cancer gear.

As I am sure your have heard by now, Patrick Swayze died at the age of 57 yesterday having battled pancreatic cancer.  I have learned alot on my own cancer journey, but have come to understand that pancreatic cancer is a real bitch.

I can’t say I was a big fan of Swayze’s work, but I have to commend the guy for what he went through.  As I see it, his life is worth some acknowledgment, or celebration, if you will.

As a man, I am going to have a real hard time acknowledging his work in Dirty Dancing or Ghost as they are the very definition of “chick flick.”  And, lets face it, Roadhouse was just just silly.  But, I will go on record stating that he rocked the shit in Red Dawn.  Red Dawn was, as I remember, one of the first films to receive the newly enacted PG13 rating put out some time in the 80’s.  Patrick played the leader of a guerilla band of teen-age-bad-asses that was not about to let their small town be taken by commies.  WOLVERINES!!!!!!

However, my favorite Swayze moment has to be his Saturday Night Live appearance alongside one of my heros, Chris Farley, as a Chippendale’s dancer.

I don’t know what else to say.  He seemed like a decent guy whose life was cut to short.  OK, OK, I’ll say it . . . He rocked the shit out of that last dance in Dirty Dancing.  Long live Johnnie Castle.

Lets face it, despite what the current generation of do-gooders say smoking IS fun and DOES make you look cool. Hear me out here.  If you have ever seen Fight Club both Ed Norton and Brad Pitt look pretty cool with all the bruises and blood on their face, oh and the cigarettes hanging from their mouth make them look pretty cool.  Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino looked pretty cool smoking through the cancer.  Huh?  Anyone?

I did a short stint, about 1 to 2 years, as a smoker in my early college days.  In the good old days you could actually smoke inside buildings.  Hanging out at the coffee shop at 2:00 am or the student union at 8:00 am I always looked cool. As with any hobby I never did it half-assed.  I went through periods of rolling my own, or smoking cigars or pipes.

Why don’t more people smoke?  Because it causes goddamned cancer thats why.  Anyone with half a brain in this day and age understands that the fun and coolness of tobacco just is not worth the significant health risk.

So why would I consider taking up smoking? Because I already have cancer.  It is kind of like having sex without a condom when you are already pregnant.  Are you going to get more pregnant?  I don’t think so.  But what about STD’s?  All those TV commercials tell me those funky new birth control methods don’t protect against STD’s.  So, maybe its not the right analogy. Put on a condom you slut.

But, the main reason not to smoke is Cancer.  I already have cancer.  I can live with the bad breath, smelly clothes and yellow fingernails.  But will I develop a new and exciting cancer, like throat or lung cancer, in addition to colon cancer?  I don’t think so, and here is my theory.  I have what one might call a “cancer condom” and others may call it chemotherapy.  If I am pumping these cancer killing chemicals into my body on a regular basis how could a new cancer possibly grow and thrive in that environment.  It would seem to me that chemo gives you a free pass to smoke, eat charred foods, enjoy drinks with aspartame, and work with asbestos. Why hasn’t my oncologist brought this little slice of life up in our conversations.  I can just see how this conversation would play out:

Me:  I’m thinking about taking up smoking.

Onc: Why would you do that?  Smoking causes cancer.

Me:  But I already have cancer.

Onc:  But smoking could cause other cancers like throat or lung cancer.

Me: But I have a cancer condom.

Onc: What?

Me: A Cancer Condom.  I’m on chemo. How could a new cancer possibly get by that shit?

Onc: Are you fucking high?

I like to envision an oncologist not afraid to say “fucking” to his patient.

However, cancer makes you think a little about quality of life.  When I am not treating, not getting chemo, or not having surgery I feel pretty good.  It’s the goddamn treatment that makes life miserable.  When you have a set back you ask yourself if it is worth it.  If I had a choice of living 5 years, feeling ok, without treatment or living 10 years miserable with treatment I take the five every day.  When do you make that decision? How do you make that decision when you are 40 and have a family?  Unfortunately I think many of us will fight the good fight, lose, and it will be plain too late to have any quality of life.  But, that ever dangling carrot of beating cancer keeps us moving. 

I can tell you this.  The day I say fuck treatment, if that day comes, I’m buying a big fat juicy cigar.  Live a little my friends. Welcome to flavor country.

Yes I’ve been back . . . and when I come back . . . you’ll know, know, know.

Two weeks ago was chemo round 7.  As you may know, know, know, I was off chemo for almost 3 months prepping and recovering from liver surgery.  I felt pretty good first day back on chemo but the Satuday after my Thursday treatment I just crashed and slept from 6:30 pm to 9:00 am the next day.

Today was chemo round 8.  I’m feeling pretty shitty.  I am at the office trying to get a little work done but its hard to concentrate.  The AC is freezing me and I can’t feel my fingers and toes.  My office is so cold (how cold is it?) they have started storing sides of beef in here.  I’m not quite sure why I am here.  I guess to prove that I am some sort of tough guy that works through the pain and works harder than my healthy counterparts.  But, I think I am about ready to call it a day, go home, and climb into a fetal position for a few hours and have nightmareish dreams of Amy Winehouse as I cannot get the song out of my head now.  I say NO, NO, NO.