Christmas Colonoscopy

I recently read Blindsided by Richard Cohen.  Not a cancer book per se, but a story of living with chronic illness.  Cohen is a journalist and news guy that has worked with the big boys in NYC but, according to my view, his biggest accomplishment is banging Meridith Vieira (not a bad piece of ass).

Cohen was diagnosed somewhat early in life with MS.  The book drones on for a long time about his struggles with MS.  I don’t mean to belittle MS or Cohen’s struggle, I’m sure it is horrific.  But, it seemed like the book really spent a lot of time talking about the same thing.  His discussion of colon cancer was really very slight.  However, Cohen, in the last moments of the book, hit home with me in discussing the effects on his marriage and his kids.  The last chapter of the book was worth the read.  It made me realize that I can be a real dick when I’m not feeling good and sometimes even when I do feel good.  My marriage was not great before I got sick, and I’m not sure that cancer is helping it any.  It’s hard to have the energy for the kids, but they still need m.  I’m concerned about those relationships.

Cohen does give a brightside.  He is an optomist in a difficult body and helps me understand that my problems are not so bad and are not unique.

It’s the same old song and dance . . . and its getting old.  The chemo is taking its toll mainly on my fatigue levels.  I seem to be getting more and more tired.  Hell, I was tired walking into chemo.  Maybe its the swine flu?

Swine flu symptoms include cough (check), sneezing (check), body ache (check), I got all of this plus constipation and neuropathy.

I’m almost half-way there.  My onc indicates that we are going to take another MRI of the liver after my next treatment to look at the possibility of surgery.  So, I may get a break from chemo for surgery.  That sounds like a hell of a deal.

The liver thing is really bothering me.  For some reason this scares me more than the colon.  I live in a small town and I am worrying about the surgical talent.  Obviously, I want someone who has done this before.

I am also a little bummed about the longterm prognosis.  This sounds selfish, but I have not had a beer since chemo started.  I really like having a beer now and again.  I can’t imagine that cutting out liver lends itself to future beer drinking.  Not helping my attitude much.

Poignant!  Have you ever read a cancer book that was not described by some critic or reviewer as “poignant?”  Hell, I have even seen authors describe their own work, in a subtitle, as “poignant.”  When did everyone become so fucking poignant?  What the hell does poignant even mean?  I don’t know.  I don’t even know how to say “poignant?”

 Poignant - [poin-yuh nt, poi nuh nt]

–adjective

1.	keenly distressing to the feelings: poignant regret.

2.	keen or strong in mental appeal: a subject of poignant interest.

3.	affecting or moving the emotions: a poignant scene.

4.	pungent to the smell: poignant cooking odors.

Dictionary.com

Now that we know what poignant means let me state that my above referenced rant has nothing to do with the book I am about to review, as I actually liked and would not characterize as falsely poignant.  In fact it is quite poignant (except in the bad odor sense as the above definition recites . . . the book smells fine).  I recently read Jim Chastain’s I Survived Cancer but Never Won the Tour de France.  I purchase this book used from an Amazon.com reseller and amazingly received an authentically autographed copy.  Jim, if you are reading this I mean no disrespect and I am sorry that (1) I bough your book used (i.e. putting no dollars in your pocket) and (2) that some insensitive bastard took your graciously given autograph and sold it at a discount as a used book.  Hell, he didn’t even advertise as “autographed.”  Jim, I liked your book.

Jim’s book earns the moniker of “poignant” (again, except it does not smell bad).  The title shows an obvious take-off of Lance Armstrong’s book but aptly catches the essence of the book being “I’m just a regular guy and I beat Cancer too.”  This book speaks to me by that “regular guy” tone but I also relate as Jim is also a lawyer and was close to my age during his battle.  Jim’s cancer seems to be a little rare, and certainly much different than what I am dealing with, but you get the same feel of multiple office visits, scans, surgeries, and other bullshit.  The book captures the cancer experience with a sense of humor and a message of survival.  Despite Jim’s horrific battle the overall tone of the book is uplifting and inspiring to this Cancer patient.  Pick up the book and buy it new.  Show Jim a little respect for Hell’s sake.

It was a pretty quick and easy round today. What is weird is that the side effects seem to vary from treatment to treatment.  Generally, on chemo day, my first bite of my next meal shoot extreme pain througout my jaw radiating up to my ears.  Tonight I took that first tentative bite and no pain.  WTF?  I am not complaining here, but its nice to know what to expect. Further, the cold senitivity seems more extreme than usual today.  It was kind of a cooler day today which might have kicked it up a notch.

The hair has thinned a touch and seems to be growing more slowly, but the loss is not significant enought to even notice.  I am lucky to have pretty thick hair.  When one of coleagues asked if I would lose my hair I advised that my hair might thin a little, but would never be as bad as his.  I have shaved the “fight cancer” beard only keeping the “fight cancer” soul patch.  I’m really looking like a wack job. Its funny, people always associate hair loss with chemo.  Just today I had a lymphoma patient whom I told it was my 4th round why I hadn’t lost my hair. I explained that some chemo protocols will not cause hair loss.  I may have detected a little attitute that if you haven’t lost hair then you are not a real chemo warrior.  I feel so inferior.  Maybe I’ll shave it and pretent it fell out.  Nothing like pulling the cancer card and the bald head would help enforce it.

On a side note.  For those of you praying for me knock it off.  I’m gettin prayer in at least 8 different religions. If I beat this thing how am I going to know which church it true?  Your blowing any scientific method here.  We got no control group.

The Chemo Reading Group is kind of like Oprah’s Book Club, except without all the reading of shitty nonsense.  Like I stated in my prior post, I spend most of my chemo hours (and a lot of non-chemo hours) reading.  Although I have read a lot of fiction in the past I am kind of hooked on non-fiction lately.  I’ll keep you up to date on what I am reading just in case you do give a shit.

I picked up Lance Armstrong’s book thinking that if there was anything in there about banging Sheryl Crow is would be a good read.  What I didn’t realize until I read the book is that in addition to the Sheryl Crow thing he is also a cancer survior.  Who knew?

Actually, I’m really not a cycling fan and can’t say I knew much about Lance prior to reading the book.  It is actually a very well written account of his knocking on death’s door and coming back.  If you are a dude, testicular cancer is REALLY no laughing matter.  You have to chuckle a little bit though when Lance talks about hoping on the bike and going for a ride, thinking nothing is wrong, when his testicle was the size of a freaking orange.  That can’t be comfortable.

His cancer hit him quick and hard and was amazingly agressive.  What he did after the fact, winning the Tour De France and using his celebrity status for good rather than evil by establishing the Lance Armstrong Foundation is pretty cool.  I’ve got to tell you that I am probably more of a racing fan now, definitely a Lance Armstrong fan, and yes RH I’m going to order me up one of those yellow bracelets and support the cause.  Anyway, the yellow bracelet is a hell of a lot better than that dumbass purple “Power Port” bracelet that I have been sporting the last few months.

Lance really gives you an interesting perspective on Cancer.  He goes so far as to say that is he had to choose between cancer and winning the Tour De France he would choose cancer.  Lance may be a little out of his mind here, but he adds some real perspective on the life changes one goes through with cancer.  Although I would rather win the Tour De France, I do kind of get it.  You do some real soul searching and evaluate your life to date when you get hit with cancer.  You really ask yoursef if you are living life to its fullest.  I know I have not.

Dupree, in the movie “You, Me, & Dupree” said it best when he stated “Leave Lance out of this, he has accomplished more with one testicle than you and I could do with three!”  This could not be more true.  “It’s Not About The Bike” is inspirational to those fighting the fight and I highly recomend the book and supporting the foundation at www.livestrong.org.

I’m actually feeling better this round than last.  I’m tired, but maybe not quite as bad.  I have had this dry crusty nose going but that is actually better today than it has been.  So, not a bad round.  Third time is a charm.

However, I think the chemo may be killing my sense of humor.  I’m drawing a blank.  I got nothing funny to say here.  This is kind of scary.

I’m getting a lot of reading done during chemo treatment.  The first 2 rounds I tried to bring some work to do.  Nothing like billing a client while I’m hooked up to chemo.  But, I have started to think if I got to go through this shit I need to be enjoying my time a little.  So, I went to chemo this time armed with Lance Armstrong’s “Its not About the Bike.”  Yes, the biggest cliche I could think to read in the chemo parlor.  Thats right folks I’m the go go cancer fighter, nothing gonna stop me now.  Actually, its a fantastic book and I’ll give it a full review in the next few days.