Christmas Colonoscopy

I have surgery tomorrow and I am scared shitless.  No . . . wait . . . I guess it might be the HalfLytely that has caused the “shitless” condition.  But, I’m a little nervous about the procedure as well.

Prior to my colonoscopy they prescribed the evil elixer CoLyte to blow out the colon.  Colyte is basically a giant glass of saltwater.  Why so salty?  My wife suggested that it “tastes like semen.”  My problem with this statement is (1) thanks for that visual as I try to gut a gallon of this shit down and (2) how does she know what semen tastes like?  Read my prior post on CoLyte.

My surgeon prescribed HalfLytely to clean the colon out this time.  For the Colyte I paid the standard $7 co-pay but for some reason the HalfLytely cost me $40.  At that price it better not taste like semen.

HalfLytely comes with a pill you take first and then after your first movement you start drinking.  I mistakenly believed that I could continue working but my bowels quickly sent me home.  I was blowing out my ass before I even started drinking the liquid.  On a positive note, I am pleasently surprised by the taste.  It came in a lemon-lime flavor and the salt is not nearly as strong.  With a shot of gin it still wouldn’t pass for a gin and tonic or tom collins, but you can get it down.

Bottoms Up.

Tomorrow is the big day. I’m going under the knife (actually its a scope) for a colon resection to remove my unwelcome friend, a 5 cm malignant tumor. So, today, the day before, I am on clear liquids only.

The information from my doctor says clear liquids include black coffee, tea, soda, apple juice bouillon, jello (not red or purple), and that sort of thing. Well, beer is clearer than black coffee for hells sake. I mean what if I go with a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale? I can stay away from the not so clear stouts and porters. Frankly, if beer is a “clear liquid” I’m going to blow off this last day of work before the procedure and drink beer all day.

Well, just to be safe, mayble I will just drink vodka all day.

Robert Schimmel in his book, Cancer on $5 a Day (Excluding Chemo), describes cancer quite aptly as a “shit sandwich.” If you havn’t read the book yet do it. I plan to address this great book more fully in a future post.

As if cancer with surgery to remove a tumor and some colon in 2 days is not enough I wake up with a fucking back ache this morning. I have had a history of lower back pain. It seems once every 2 years I throw the damn thing out and need a serious regimen of Lortab and muscle relaxers. Today is not that bad, but I can tell it is going to nag me for a few days. I am starting to look forward to the morphine drip already.

So, the shit keeps piling up.

I picked the wrong month to become an athiest. A cancer diagnosis is probably the best time to find Jesus (didn’t know he was lost)(Sorry, old joke) but I just can’t seem to do it. Although I grew up in a practicing christian household I have always been “Religiously Challenged.” I have never quite bought it.

So, as I head into surgery everyone, family, friends, co-workers, and the homeless guy that pees into the street gutter on the corner is saying “I’m praying for you!” Ahhh gee, thanks, I guess, if it makes you feel better. Richard Dawkins in his book The God Delusion references an interesting scientific study on the healing power of prayer. There were three groups of hospital patients: (1) Those being prayed for but don’t know it, (2) those being prayed for and do know it, and (3) the poor bastards that no one was praying for. The study showed no difference in the healing between the prayed for that didn’t know it and the “no prayer” group. AMAZING! Who would have thought. However, the guys getting the prayers and know it did better.

So, if no one prays for me does God decide no one gives a shit and I don’t get better? What about the good people that others pray for that don’t get better and die? The standard response is that “it was their time.” Well, if God is deciding when it is or is not someone’s time regardless of prayer then what is the damn point of prayer in the first place?

I am sorry if I offend. Frankly I admire and respect those that find happiness or comfort in their faith. But it does not work for me. It defies logic. I choose to place my faith in modern science and not give credit to some magic being in the sky, but rather the true skill and education of my physician. Of course, if I die, its all God’s fault.

I picked the wrong month to stop sniffing glue.

Logic tells me I should be keeping my colon clean. What is one of the best solutions for cleaning? I’m glad you asked. Alcohol is a wonderful cleaner. So, I am dedicated to a solid regimen of running grain alcohol through my body to keep the innards clean. I’m sure some smart ass doctor will step up to the plate to dispell my myths.

But, here is a not so comfortable truth. I’m having a hard time sleeping. When I do sleep I am dreaming of cancer treatment or death. However, the nights that I have a few drinks before bed I sleep like a baby. All of the doctors in this process are offering Ambien. Is a necessity of Ambien any better than the necessity of Rum and/or bourbon? We’ll see how it goes.

“Lets go watch them cut this fat bastard open” - Seinfeld

One of my favorite quotes from the TV series. I met with the surgeon today and they are going to cut this fat bastard open on Jan. 30. It looks like I have another colon prep to look forward to. Yippee! I will be having a laproscopic sigmoid colonectomy to remove the 5 cm tumor up my poop chute (a medical term). I am happy the surgeon thinks he can do this laproscopically. Even better, the surgeon thinks the posibility of installing a shit bag on my waist to be minimal.

I just got done seeing Robert Schimmel’s special on Showtime “Life Since Then.”  I had heard Schimmel on Howard Stern and other places talking about his bout with Cancer.  I have always admired his comedy and found his discussion of cancer touching as well.  This special is absolutely hilarious.  I am less than 2 weeks from being told I have cancer.  I have just gotten to the point of being able to talk about it with people without being emotional.  Frankly, I remain confused and scared shitless.  Nonetheless, Schimmel’s discussion of cancer, chemo, and colonoscopies had me laughing my ass off.

Schimmel might be right; Laughter is the best medicine. I have ordered his book from Amazon and am looking forward to reading it.

I am an attorney.  My job sometimes brings me to the homes of the sick and elderly.  I have dealt with dying regularly with little emotion.  Now it feels different.

This week I met with a woman who beat breast cancer, so she thought, only later developing tumors in her brain.  She is terminal and has been sent home with hospice care, waiting to die on a morphine drip.  This 57 year old shell of woman looked not a day younger than 80.  The ravages of cancer treatment left her bald and severely aged beyond her years.  She slipped in an out of lucidity with the snap of a finger crying in pain between each stage.  When she reached out for my hand as I was speaking to her it was difficult to restrain my emotions.

Part of the drama queen inside of me says “is this what I have to look forward to?”  But when I step away from my own fears I admire those who fight the long fight whether they win or lose.

The only thing I can think about right now is the possibility of living with a colostomy bag.  I know many colon cancer survivors don’t need to do this.  But researching the net it appears that many people have the choice of wearing depends (i.e. no bowel control) or carrying your shit around in a bag hooked to your body forever.  Not much of a choice in my book.

I’m all about saying “Fuck Cancer” at this point, but should I send my kids to school wearing the Fuck Cancer kids hoodie?  I’m not sure this is going to fly at my kids school.